When I started this year, i really started with a lot of optimism. When I had in my mind how this year could and should go, it was quite exciting. Id be celebrating the milestone of graduating, I’d begin working in a career that I’d always wanted to thrive in and I’d have gone on the journey with some of the closest friends I’ll make in my life etc. Little did I realise, life was ready to throw all types of challenges at me this year. Types that would be bolts from the blue. Types that would not only knock me off my feet, but that would give me the feeling that I was suddenly going to sink deeper and deeper into a cold abyss.
I put so much pressure on myself to not mess up life , and to make sure I succeed in life, that through the challenges of this year I’ve almost stopped living. After I graduated, my life essentially did come to a standstill. I’ve always been somebody who enjoys socialising, whether it be spending time with my friends or meeting new people. However after I graduated, I really lost the desire to do so. In my mind, I was so disappointed and disheartened by how things had gone that I just didn’t really want to face other people. I stopped living and appreciating all of the things that make me me, instead fixated on all of my failures and mistakes that I felt id made/been making. Being hard on myself is nothing new for me, I try to be better but its a struggle I still go through. This year has demonstrated to me the dangers of it. You really do need to give yourself grace or else you will start believing very negative and unfair narratives about yourself that you have created in your mind. The types of narratives that would have you believe that the world has never produced a worse or more disappointing human being than you.
Something I do know though is how quickly things can change, for better or for worse, often in ways we really cannot predict. We never really know what is around the corner and to be honest this has frightened me my entire life. This year has felt like I have had to be reacting to things that have happened, rather than being able to pre-empt them. It was the first time in my life where I have felt totally and completely lost and didn’t have any answers to the problems I have faced. I was unsure about where I wanted to take my life, career wise. I was unsure about some of the people that were/had been in my life. I was unsure about a number of the decisions I’d made in my life, up to this point. My mind was hazy and cloudy and it was very difficult for me to think clearly about what I wanted and how I was going to get there. I began to doubt myself so much, as my year continued to pan out in a way that was so different to how I had planned for it to go. I have been so tense and worried and fearful and anxious about so many things this year. My usual optimism turned to pessimism and my pessimism turned into high levels of stress that has made me struggle to find the energy and motivation needed to answer the questions and problems I felt I needed to answer this year.
This is why I am starting to think that we cannot live with our minds too far in the future. Life changes in so many ways that we cannot predict in the present moment so trying to pre-empt how things will pan out is sometimes quite a futile task. Its fantastic and important to have a vision and plans for your future, but for it to be flexible and for you to understand that life is not always going to work according to plan. Sometimes you get to where you initially wanted to but in a weird Jeremy Bearimy (reference to the show “The Good Place”). That is to say, in a weird, squiggly, and all over the place kind of line. That is also to say, not in the order or way that you envisaged. I did need to learn a lot of the lessons I have learned this year, but I probably did not want to learn them in the way that life has made me do so. This year, I have found it far more difficult to be as positive as I normally am. Yet, this is something that is changing as I rediscover myself and drag myself out of the trance I have been in.
This year, I have learnt the importance of appreciating myself fully. I didn’t truly appreciate myself until I went through a sort of identity crisis where I didn’t know who the face of the person staring at me through the reflection of the mirror was. I say this because when I was struggling to be anywhere near my normal self, my feeling for so long was that I just wanted myself back. I wanted that smiley, positive, lively and intelligent guy back. I wanted the guy who would walk into a room and make it a brighter and happier place for people in it. I wanted the guy who was driven, ambitious, and determined to reach his goals. I wanted the guy who loved the things he did and who just lived life with a smile on his face and with enjoyment. I wanted the guy who wouldn’t let life beat him down, who would remain committed to kindness and empathy as core values. It was through lamenting my perceived loss of self, that I realised how unfair I had been to myself for such a long time. How I had overlooked all the things I should wholly love about myself and instead focused so much on all of my flaws, struggles, and imperfections. I stopped living. I stopped being me. That is the biggest mistake I made this year. The biggest lesson? To love and appreciate myself fully and to understand that I am always worthy of that love and appreciation. Regardless, of whether I feel I have underachieved or made the wrong decisions in certain areas of life. I always have 2025 to put that right. I have a month left of this year and I intend to try to make the most of it. Then, let’s see what 2025 brings us. Whatever it is, I look forward to it indeed. You should too.
EliWrites 