Early Twenties Struggles

Each time I write a piece like this I say it’s the most heartfelt piece I’ve written, so here we go again. This is possibly the most heartfelt piece I’ve written to date. My motto in life is to turn difficult experiences/pain into positive growth. But what happens when your life reaches such a low that you can no longer even see the positives for an extended period of time? I used to always say that pain helps you learn, but what happens when that pain becomes so excruciating and knocks you down to the point that you struggle to see exactly what lesson life is trying to teach you? Difficult moments really test our beliefs and principles, and sometimes reveal weaknesses in the way we think and live. If there was ever a time that I realized that growth is far from linear, it’s been now. So, here is the tale of my early twenties struggles to date. 

I want to specifically focus on my final year at university and my struggles during this year. Actually, this year started very well for me. I found myself “thriving, not surviving” as the saying goes. I was really enjoying the responsibilities I had, and felt quite optimistic about life and about my future. I would say I was happy. However, as the year went on I started to struggle a little with burnout and a lack of energy. Initially, this was just academic burnout but it quickly cascaded into other areas of my life. As time progressed, my thoughts at this time were that maybe I was just growing tired of academia after having been in it for so many years and that this feeling would go away once I graduated and started working full time. I didn’t have the time to take a break or take things easier though. Deadlines, exams, post university plans were all things I would need to tackle during my final term at university. Unfortunately, as the days went on, I started to struggle more and more for energy and motivation. Academia became a real chore, extracurriculars not quite as enjoyable as they once were, and most importantly I wasn’t looking after myself as well as I should have been. 

The first few weeks of my final term were marred with these problems but I summoned the energy and motivation to get through my final assignments and finish with my degree. Nonetheless I could really feel that something really wasn’t right. I hadn’t solidified my plans for post-uni life yet it felt that everybody around me had their plans starting to be set in stone. Meanwhile I was confused and pivoting, unsure exactly what direction I wanted to go in at this point. I really beat myself up quite viciously for not having laid out where I should take my life at this point. At the same time,  I desperately wanted to achieve a first class degree and put a lot of pressure on myself to do so. But when I received a bad mark in one of my assignments, I realized that marks like that could contribute to me not achieving the grade I wanted. 

At the same time my burnout issues continued, I just tried to push through during an important time. In my mind though, I was absolutely failing. Why was I so exhausted all the time? Why was my motivation waning across the board? What happens if I don’t get a first? Why didn’t I have my future sorted? Why did I suddenly feel so lost and alien within my own skin? Why was I falling so far short of the standards that I set for myself and that I felt others had set for me? There were too many questions swirling around in my head, tormenting me. I didn’t have the answers to them. Amidst the stress and anxieties about the future I really stopped enjoying and living in the present and focusing on how I could take things one day at a time. I stopped enjoying life. Once I finished with assignments and academics, I think I hit self-implode.

The period from the end of term 3 up until graduation, were some of the worst months of my life. I thought that university ending would be good for me and would give me some much needed respite and breathing space but I was absolutely wrong. During this period I lost some friends I’d had for a number of years and I was struggling mentally and physically with energy but also with my eating habits and weight. In my mind I created, and began to believe, the narrative that this was going to be my life going forwards and that I deserved it. I was failing in life and failures didn’t deserve happiness. I stopped enjoying so many of the things I typically enjoyed. Hobbies became a bit of a chore, and eventually I stopped finding joy in many of them too. I became hyper fixated on all my flaws, picking myself apart and disemboweling myself limb from limb in order to justify how I was treating myself. The scariest thing was looking in the mirror one of those days at the 20/21 year old man who stared back and not only feeling terrible about who I saw staring back but also thinking that my 18 year old first year self was a better version of me than him. He was certainly naive but he had spirit, charisma, confidence in himself, and he was happier. This new me was devoid of the things that I appreciated the most about myself. I felt guilty, scared, and very angry at myself. 

Those feelings turned into a deep sorrow and a deep feeling of loneliness when trying to deal with what clearly was quite poor mental health. I felt like I had lost myself. Who had I become and when was Eli going to return? All of those questions I had no answers for. My inability to solve my problems further frustrated me, sending me further into a hole. Soon, my ability to look after myself even in the most basic sense waned. I was barely dragging myself through days. Lost, purposeless, confused, frustrated, and in pain. And I had no answers. 

During these kinds of times in your life you really see very clearly who is actually there for you. I said earlier that I lost friendships and I did. During this time, I was stuck in my pain and it felt like everybody was abandoning me. That I was losing everybody during a time I needed them more than ever. Actually, I see now that as tough as it is to experience, it is better for the wrong people to leave your life sooner rather than later. If somebody is happy to benefit from all that you provide to their life when you are happy and in a positive place but are then not willing to step up for you when you are in a dark place and in need of support then they have no business being your friend. When life gets tough you need to know that you have people you can rely on. They cannot fix your problems, and you should not expect them to, but their warmth and support will help you feel less alone and isolated with your struggles. That can help you gain the strength you need to get through difficult periods. We all need to lean on people sometimes. Furthermore, I realized the ways in which some friends were contributing to my stress and mental exhaustion during this time. Having people around you who are only happy to take from you and not give back is unsustainable. When you invite people to be part of your life, they should help to improve it as you do to theirs. 

My journey is ongoing, but the biggest lesson to take from this piece is the importance of being kinder to ourselves and to each other. Must we beat ourselves up for not being exactly where we want to be in our lives just yet? Is it a crime to take a step back before we burn ourselves out chronically? Must we brutally scrutinize and magnify every mistake or bad choice we make in our lives? There is a point where constantly pushing ourselves to be better and better can become an unhealthy obsession and we forget to appreciate who we are right now. We punish ourselves for who we think we ought to be instead of rewarding ourselves for the person we are in this moment. Indecision. Overthinking. Naivety. Slight disorganization. These are all part of who I am. They may be flaws but I need to love myself regardless of them. So the importance of being kind to ourselves cannot be understated. We have to look after each other too. Check in on your friends and on your family. Don’t assume they are fine if you see signs they are not quite themselves. They may not open up completely to you, but at least they know you are there for them. I certainly wished people properly checked in on me more. Do it for the people in your life.